I had a nightmare last night. Two nightmares, one inside another. I cannot give logical description of what I’ve seen in my dream, but I remember crying really hard and being devestated. What happened was people mentioning and even mocking my past misery both intentionally and unintentionally, one of those even came from my ‘mother’, which led to the ultimate burst of tears.
Then I woke up in a broken dream. The plot was obviously fake, even for the me who woke up into another dream. But the feelings, the misery, was too real and too relatable. I’ve had a great amount of misery when I was receiving rejection letters this March and April. But now when I think of that, I’ve hardly had any catharsis. Screaming on the top floor of a school building all alone is the only thing I’ve done to unleash my feelings.
Since then, I was living in constant misery, until near the end of the May–when my antidepressant arrived(also it was two weeks late because of the shippers’ stupid mistake). My feelings were compressed, I was able to calm down and clear my mind, to get ready for the exam that I never even prepared for. When the exam was over, I felt no pressure at all. I forgot about all the misery I ever had inside me. Since I broke down to as low as possible, a relief of a burden cheered me up.
But the fact is that the nightmares inside me never left. As I’m typing down these word, I can feel my tears rushing up to my eyes. I tried to forget about them–my failures. But the fact is that, I may never truly let go of them. They have been too heavy, always have been. It would’ve been easy, if I’m not living the exact environment that I have always thought to be the worst scenario. Back in high school, I had so much hope and motivation for the futrue that I long for, that I made countless effort for. And now, look where I’m at. Look where I’m at. I still have to fight for the life that I long for.
But I don’t know what I truly want anymore. There’s a difference between ‘making a smart choice for furture’ and ‘heading towards a desired future’. After all the failures, especially rejection letters, I have lost all kinds of hope for furture. My constant bad luck in college is also affirming my thoughts on never having hope. As a result, I don’t have any motivation that can carry me on. I am capable of things beyond my imagination, but without motivation, I can’t even do well in things that are supposed to be easy for me.
Now I’m truly lost, not having people that I can have connection with. Here’s a random fact, I feel a great amount of loneliness, and I truly want to fall in love with somebody. But the situation is that, I know my mental status is not ready for any types of relationship, and there’s not even a possible ‘somebody’ as far I can see in my life. Besides that, my life is already in a mess, how do I maintain a relationship if I can’t even maintain order of my own life?
A lot of things have been contradictory in my life. I used to believe that me, myself, is a complex combination of all sorts of contradictions. But what I believe now is that, my surroundings and me are contradictory to each other’s existence. And I don’t even know if the grammar of the last sentence is correct or not.
There’s no conclusion to this piece of writing. And that’s that.
And that’s Matt.